Post by SandyG on Feb 9, 2018 6:24:07 GMT -5
We buried Clyde Mare, our Beautiful Girl, today.
There are no answers and maybe never will be. Her body responded well to the meds and her manure was once again beautiful, moist, formed, and a work of art. She was eating and alert. In mid-afternoon on Wednesday, she laid down in her stall and the attendant assumed she was taking a rest. However, Clyde Mare's body had failed her and she did not stand again.
I spent time with her and asked her all of those questions you ask one you love to make sure you are reading them correctly. Asked her multiple times for a sign and each time she gave me the same sign - a deep breath, closing her eyes, and resting her enormous head fully on me. Letting her go was her request and I helped her even though it was so deeply sad and difficult to do so. I had asked and pleaded with her for one more time to try, but Clyde Mare quietly and respectfully declined.
This glorious creature endured much in her lifetime . . . a disease that never let her rest and took the easy movement of a horse away from her. Owners who bred her for the money those black Clyde babies would bring to them. Twice! And then new owners who used her gentle ways to make more money on a riding program even though those legs demanded her mouth to scratch them. Hence, causing the humans to think of cruel ways to stop that behavior resulting in a sympathetic volunteer to call us to help this mare out of her plight.
From the first moment I saw her, I loved her. My heart fell in to her chest with empathy, caring, understanding, and a defense of her especially to all who told me to "put her down - she stinks". We spent many hours together just being - me cleaning and talking or singing while she stood absorbing the feeling of bare hands on those legs. Sometimes she napped. Helping her and treating her and giving kisses and treats when the session was over. I did not need to tie her - not even halter her. Clyde Mare walked into the shoeing bed and stood there for hours all by herself. Grateful and surprisingly willing to allow another human to touch her. Trusting that this person's touch would not cause her pain and discomfort. There was a bond there in those times that many humans never experience and for them, I am sorry. These creatures heal you in ways that you cannot fathom. But only if you are willing to allow them that close to you. You must be naked of your self and your ways to allow them to reach you.
My tears are for the regrets that I think I knew I would have when it was her time to cross. I was still so hopeful that we would have the summer to be close and private and rebuild her trust. I was so d**n hopeful. And so now, I must let go of that hope and face the decision that she made on her own. I am grateful that she waited for me and allowed me to speak for her. I'm just so sad that the message was what it was.
Clyde Mare - I pray you know you were deeply loved, Beautiful Girl. That our attempts this past month have been to try to help you - not to torment you. I know you loved to live in the barn but the cold was your enemy. The cold is what stole your very soul from us and, in order to protect you from the cold, you needed to leave the barn. It is my fault for not having what I needed ready to help you. It took time to prepare and it was my fault for robbing you of your energy and straining your body to the point of failing while you stood in the firgid air waiting. Please forgive me. And please, Beautiful Girl, please show me when you have found it in your glorious heart to do that. Remember, even though I was struggling with caring for you, I loved you deeply. And more than that - I respected you and was in awe of you. Your strong will, your easy way of being cooperative, and your loving attempts to allow me to try to touch your face. You did not have an easy life due to humans but you allowed one more human to try. She wasn't good at it, but she tried. She tried, Beautiful Girl.
There are no answers and maybe never will be. Her body responded well to the meds and her manure was once again beautiful, moist, formed, and a work of art. She was eating and alert. In mid-afternoon on Wednesday, she laid down in her stall and the attendant assumed she was taking a rest. However, Clyde Mare's body had failed her and she did not stand again.
I spent time with her and asked her all of those questions you ask one you love to make sure you are reading them correctly. Asked her multiple times for a sign and each time she gave me the same sign - a deep breath, closing her eyes, and resting her enormous head fully on me. Letting her go was her request and I helped her even though it was so deeply sad and difficult to do so. I had asked and pleaded with her for one more time to try, but Clyde Mare quietly and respectfully declined.
This glorious creature endured much in her lifetime . . . a disease that never let her rest and took the easy movement of a horse away from her. Owners who bred her for the money those black Clyde babies would bring to them. Twice! And then new owners who used her gentle ways to make more money on a riding program even though those legs demanded her mouth to scratch them. Hence, causing the humans to think of cruel ways to stop that behavior resulting in a sympathetic volunteer to call us to help this mare out of her plight.
From the first moment I saw her, I loved her. My heart fell in to her chest with empathy, caring, understanding, and a defense of her especially to all who told me to "put her down - she stinks". We spent many hours together just being - me cleaning and talking or singing while she stood absorbing the feeling of bare hands on those legs. Sometimes she napped. Helping her and treating her and giving kisses and treats when the session was over. I did not need to tie her - not even halter her. Clyde Mare walked into the shoeing bed and stood there for hours all by herself. Grateful and surprisingly willing to allow another human to touch her. Trusting that this person's touch would not cause her pain and discomfort. There was a bond there in those times that many humans never experience and for them, I am sorry. These creatures heal you in ways that you cannot fathom. But only if you are willing to allow them that close to you. You must be naked of your self and your ways to allow them to reach you.
My tears are for the regrets that I think I knew I would have when it was her time to cross. I was still so hopeful that we would have the summer to be close and private and rebuild her trust. I was so d**n hopeful. And so now, I must let go of that hope and face the decision that she made on her own. I am grateful that she waited for me and allowed me to speak for her. I'm just so sad that the message was what it was.
Clyde Mare - I pray you know you were deeply loved, Beautiful Girl. That our attempts this past month have been to try to help you - not to torment you. I know you loved to live in the barn but the cold was your enemy. The cold is what stole your very soul from us and, in order to protect you from the cold, you needed to leave the barn. It is my fault for not having what I needed ready to help you. It took time to prepare and it was my fault for robbing you of your energy and straining your body to the point of failing while you stood in the firgid air waiting. Please forgive me. And please, Beautiful Girl, please show me when you have found it in your glorious heart to do that. Remember, even though I was struggling with caring for you, I loved you deeply. And more than that - I respected you and was in awe of you. Your strong will, your easy way of being cooperative, and your loving attempts to allow me to try to touch your face. You did not have an easy life due to humans but you allowed one more human to try. She wasn't good at it, but she tried. She tried, Beautiful Girl.